Peer Pressure

Insults

Comebacks

"Hey, Lindsy, why don't you come and sit on my lap?"

—Very common.
—I think you ought to get a helmet with horns.

"Good morning, do you have phone with you? No phone? Uh-oh!"

—Someone must.
—It's heartbreaking – To each his own – Oh, yeah! There's a reason – You have resistance to germs – I don't!

"Dude, do you have a cell phone on you?"

—Someone must.
—You should try out different dogs ... What a doll! ... Duck and cover.

"That's cute."

—Pretty amazing.
—What do you want to kill yourself for?

"How do you like that? Cleveland is in Ohio."

—It's powerful.
—It just so happens.

"Oh, go back to Ohio."

—Aw, shucks!
—I do worse things than you.

[Start at
the top]

"Like what?"

—There's hope.
—Once you know one, you know 'em all.

"Everyone is doing it."

—Just imagine.
—It renews my hope – When someone likes you, you feel free and at ease; when someone's pretending they like you, you hate them.

"What about me?"

—Very different.
—That sounds like a song.

"We had sex before, so what's the problem now?"

—Different times.
—It's not what you do that brings success, it's what you don't do.

"But I have to do it!"

—Not even.
—Well, you could start with goldfish.

[Start at
the top]

"If you love me, you'll have sex with me."

—It's absurd!
—You can love me by getting off my back and stop criticizing!

"If you cared about me, you'd do it."

—Or vice versa.
—Where did you ever learn that someone who felt unloved in childhood and never learned how to express love, you criticize them?

"If you get pregnant, I'll marry you."

—It's absurd!
—It's high school with money!

"What's wrong, are you a lesbian or something?"

—As if.
—They're just pretending they're hotshots.

"Don't worry, I'll use protection."

—That's it.
—Do you feel that's the right way to talk to someone who feels hurt?

"You only get one chance with me."

—Or vice versa.
—So far it's not worth it.

[Start at
the top]

"People think they have to memorize everything."

—How discouraging.
—The big thing is in knowing who to avoid.

[When you pick up the phone, the caller says,] "Who's this?"

—Forget it!
—Before your time.

"What's your boss say about this?"

—Forget it!
—No one says you can't, right?

"How much money do you make driving a taxi?"

—Too soon.
—Have some faith.

"It's clear – Run the red light!"

—I'm sure.
—What do YOU have to lose?

"Go ahead! – Make the turn! – No one's around."

—I'm sure.
—It's a bad sign.

[Start at
the top]

"Hey! Punch me in, too, will ya'?"

—Go on!
—Who else does?

"Protecting your ass, huh?"

—For what?
—A dull cog in the machinery of life.

"You're breaking my heart."

—Since when?
—You and many people.

"You're kidding! That's not what Jim was telling me."

—Nothing crucial.
—In the real world things can be different.

"Can we try a French kiss?"

—Forget it!
—Me and my kidneys thank you.

[Start at
the top]

"Everybody's doing it."

—Forget it!
—I think that's enough.

"You accuse me of cheating, but doesn't everybody cheat a little bit?"

—Not even.
—Some sharpie!

"Why shouldn't I cheat if everyone else is doing it?"

—No trouble.
—When they ask you for money, tell them to get a scholarship.

"Everybody's taking something. Why not?"

—Not intentionally.
—Where did those big dogs come from?

"Everybody's crazy today."

—Not intentionally.
—Perfect control.

[Start at
the top]

"I'm asking you as a friend." [To help him cheat]

—Like crazy!
—The real cheat is to pretend you're stupid.

"I think you're a fucking loser."

—Totally different.
—I'm talking to you, aren't I?

"I dare you to give your husband."

—As if.
—I just don't have the will power.

"I double dare you!"

—Why bother?
—Why do you have to do what everyone else does?

"Chicken!"

—As if.
—Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? — No guts.

"I bet you can't swim across."

—Think so?
—The best thing to do is nothing.

[Start at
the top]

"How rude of you!"

—Wise up!
—If Allah didn't want dogs to bark, he wouldn't have made them.

"What's your name?"

—Totally unhelpful.
—Which one?

"What's your first name?"

—Very common.
—Hydrogen.

"What's your last name?"

—So foolish.
—Hydrogen. You must be Helium.

See also,
Demands

"Honey, where are your parents?"

—Within reach!
—Come into my corner, said the spider to the fly!

"Honey, do you live around here?" [A stranger to a child]

—Within reach!
—Is your number still 911?

"Have you got a cigarette?"

—Maybe.
—Don't look!

"Do you smoke?"

—Until recently.
—I let mine rise.

"Do you smoke pot?"

—As if.
—These days? — I forget.

"Are you still on drugs?"

—Why bother?
—Am I missing something?

"While you're here, wanna take a hit on some weed?"

—Why bother?
—I don't know what the problem is ... Now why? ... Eat strawberries, listen to records, go hiking, learn a lot ... No bullshit.

"We're just a bunch of bad brains."

—THAT's why.
—All day and all night you want to kill someone.

"I recommend lithium."

—Think so?
—There's a new sensation.

[Start at
the top]

"Will you take your top off at the beach?"

—Maybe.
—With YOU around?

"It's a great place to go topless."

—Why not?
—Some like it white.