["I owe you a buck."] "Oh, you can give me a blowjob later, B.J." [Banter between two straight guys]

—I shot the sheriff.

"Stop arguing, dude! Do you have a vagina?"

—Unthinkable, unimaginable and, for Irish dead-enders, unspeakable ... "These are guys who would take the eye out of your head and say you'd look better without it." (–Maureen Dowd)

"Go on! Go on! What are you waiting for?" [Furiously yelling at you]

—If your Barbies are bad, do you spank them?

"What are you looking at? Are you staring at me? Are you mad-dogging me?"

—Can you imagine doing that shit all day?

"Well, you've thought of everything, haven't you?"

—I'm too dumb for that.

"You should get it checked." [The temperamental credit card machine you've brought to their attention]

—Two Chinese and a Hindu.

"I'm offended by your joke – I know someone who got into an accident while texting." [After making a joke about recklessly driving and texting at the same time]

—A black box warning ... At a crossroads ... It's a blur!

"Excluding discrimination, being offended by something that had no malice behind it is stupid, and only serves in raising people on their illusionary high-horse shaped pedestals. Just let them know that." (–Bonaqua at Reddit)

—Glad to make it happen.

"Hey! What kind of language is that?"

—It's never perfect ... Live from yourself! ... Need I say more? No, I needn't.

"Language, huh?" [In warning tones]

—I hear you get that from washing your ears.

"Is it worth it?"

—Just to get away.

"How many times have I told you not to use that fucking language?"

—On stormy nights.

"In the language world, everything is probability. But in our legal system, we have real problems with understanding probability. Everyone has problems with probability." (–James W. Pennebaker, professor of psychology at the University of Texas)

—If you leave a piece of bacon somewhere along the path, I'm sure a dog will find it.

"Do you know what it's worth?"

—There's more valuable things than money or tools.

"I think my friends are scared of you."

—I think it's that they're so pent-up.

"I'm not a racist."

—That'll be enough, I think.

"I can't talk to you. I can't be friends with a racist. That's just it."

—What's up? You look normal.

"Now that's racist."

—I'm a fool and I work a little.

"It's getting weird."

—Keep it under your hat!

"Weird."

—Grown-up, I think, is the word.

"Beyoncé Knowles should have won instead, for 'Single Ladies.'" [Someone grabbing the microphone from you, during your acceptance speech]

—Remember: Stay out of the way of trains – Trains can't swerve.

"On the other hand, [Michael] Vick is in survival mode and is likely to say anything to get the public on his side, or at least somewhat off his back."

—Want my advice? Don't start anything ... I'm feeling a little weak. Could you carry me?

"Hide Your Beagle, Vick's an Eagle."

—It's a passing thing, I think ... Have you got a story to tell? ... Floods of images ... Next comes the dragon in the toilet, the meat grinder in the closet ... Redundant: That's a good word ... Fortunately, I have a very good intelligence, and I've learned to live by my wits ... And the truck started burning ... I'll bite! ... Are you afraid something really bad is lurking inside you? ... Someday you'll see it: the invisible dog ... There's no flies on me ... That's what I say, there's no flies on me ... I am delighted to be here ... Thanks a lot! ... Bah! Humbug! ... The bear frightens me ... Naturally ... I was born very intelligent and I learned very early how to live by my wits ... It's like millions of dollars to anyone else ... Motto: Use money to help people.

["Are you from the European continent?"] "No, I'm from Italy."

—I always get mixed up.

"Don't you know there's a war on?"

—I was in total shock.

"Welcome to the human race."

—It goes way back.

"Do everyone a big favor and go sit in your room."

—They go on and on, in lounges and toilets.

"You don't have a pot to piss in."

—Each in their own way.

"She said I'm stupid! My father's a doctor! How can I be stupid?"

—They always put me in the dummy class.

["New friends keep joining you in line in front of me Can I just get a small cup of coffee? I have a taxi waiting outside with the meter running."] "No. I'm waiting to go to class, too."

—I hope I die the way I've lived ... After you!

"You must enjoy this in a sick kind of way."

—How could I ignore you?

"Excuse me, you're in my child's way."

—You can catch the devil, but you can't hold him long ... Be compassionate; be simple; be frugal.

"You're out of control!"

—We'll start slow.

"I know, you never agree with any of my ideas."

—Each one's different, and some are very emotional.

"You missed my point."

—It seems to be a battle between God and Satan.

"I know it's not all heartfelt."

—If I don't help everyone, Ming the Merciless will take over the world.

"You have no idea what I'm capable of."

—Why don't you give Israel a break?

"Don't kiss any rattlesnakes."

—Don't let anyone whack you, don't go to Iraq, and don't go to freedom marches!

"Don't give up!"

—Sometimes you don't see things for what they are.

"Give up?"

—It just goes to show, if you don't try, and you work hard, nice things happen.

"You and your friends are really weird." [They're not attracted to inner light – They're attracted to delusions of grandeur]

—It's not bad to be weird; it's not bad to be crazy; because everyone is – If you run into a group of people who likes you, you usually think they're weird – The only people who are famous are people who do weird things.

"What are you afraid of?"

—I just get foolish when I'm with girls.

"Attacks: What to do/say when somebody disses you (weird, have a look) http://www.taxi1010.com/sunporch.htm" [Link from Gift Wrap – Monthly Newsletter for Gifted Teenager, Nov '02]

—Far different, and strange.

"Didn't your mother teach you anything?"

—Never put money in your own show.

"Everyone has a blind spot."

—You have to be for yourself.

"That's a little weird."

—"If you can't tolerate your worst, at least once in a while, how true to yourself can you be?" (–Benedict Carey)

"You're very, very weird."

—A lot of people aren't too smart ... If someone's smarter than them, they think they're weird.

«"You're weird" insult»

—A lot of people are frightened because someone likes them ... They think they're weird or something ... They don't know how to deal with someone who likes them ... Every month she takes a bath in the blue moonlight ... They're not really for you – and they're not for themselves, either ... Inhabited by someone ... There's a switch inside that turns on libido ... Stop pretending things inside you are outside ... Stop pretending things outside you are inside you! ... This always happens to kids who are a little smarter than their parents, they think they're weird ... But you could have! ... But you didn't! ... Dumb people think smart people are weird ... There is no hard and set rule ... You know, weird means you're smart in California ... You know, weird is a code word for anti-Semitic ... Really Daemonic ... Almost black.

"STUPID!" [From a pedestrian]

—ONE MORE!

"What are you driving these days?"

—There're probably ten in the whole world.

"Well, what are you driving now?"

—Your own reality show ... That's all right ... I'll get another one.

"Your sister has a website? How come you're still driving a cab?"

—To make a little extra money ... Learn how to take it easy – It's the greatest thing in life!

"Don't take any wooden nickels out there now."

—It's just an occupational hazard ... but with loaded dice.

"You know, there's an air of truth in that."

—Things gurgling up from below the earth.

"Thank you ... and try not to be weird to people."

—If you want to fool around, lie.

"It's prohibited – I'm in love with my husband."

—Because no one can check on a lie.

"The problem is his ideas are half-baked."

—If you don't like anybody, it's a little bit hard for anyone to like you.

[Physical comedy, boorish pratfalls, or weird mocking behavior]

—The whole world goes past this door.

"You are so weird."

—Weird has no rules.

"You're so stupid!"

—Like wild strawberries.

"You're so weird."

—It takes one to know one!

[Theme from The Twilight Zone]

—If I'm not weird by now, when will I be?

"Kind of a weird guy." [Intended for you to hear]

—Maybe I'll sprout wings ... You have a nice smile!

"Weird."

—You mean, like an exotic flower in the jungle?

"We understand that this current Georgian leadership is a special project of the United States, but one day the United States will have to choose between defending its prestige over a virtual project or real partnership which requires joint action ... Frankly speaking, once again I was surprised by the skills of the speech writers who prepared the statement of the U.S. president." (–Russian Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, August 13, 2008)

—That's a big strain, not killing five people ... They believe all these things on the news – They think that's what's happening.

"Iron my shirt!" [Heckler to Hillary Clinton]

—Come on, evaporate, you ding-dong! ... Do you think I should be a monster or a princess? ... Maybe you could buy your house and kick your mom and dad out – then you'd be rich! ... I don't mind if you're smart – I like it when you're smart – I don't mind it at all – It means you understand things you'll understand a lot when you're big.

["There was a six-foot tsunami in Indonesia twenty-eight minutes ago."] "End of the world."

—The other side of the mental track.

"We don't believe in censorship."

—These people have no sense of humor – They can say anything they want about you, and if you say anything about them, they shriek!

"Can you prove you're stupid?"

—Well, don't do it!

"You're being too rational and too logical."

—We have to see how good it grows.

[Energetic throat clearing, to silence the whole room]

—I like the very light touch.

"So, David, what are you going to be doing ten years from now?"

—The German ideal: children, cooking, culture.

"So what are you going to do with the rest of your life?"

—Nothing forced is ever beautiful.

"We call it, Zielinskiland!"

—That's called a Mental Health Day.

"I missed you."

—I shot an arrow into the air.

"You missed your calling in life."

—In my profession you know you're no better than anyone else, and no worse than anyone else.

"It isn't worth it." [Turning on their heels, without paying, after you've made them a double-scoop vanilla ice-cream cone]

—Lucy's psychiatric help must cost seventy-five cents now.

"Are you waiting for someone?"

—Let's go!

["Where were you born?"] "In the USA."

—I wouldn't doubt it.

["What country are you from?"] "We're from overseas."

—You're on the run.

"How long have you been driving a taxicab?"

—Let's go fishing!

"I'm waiting for my husband."

—That alone.

"He'll say anything to get elected."

—We'll just see what happens, won't we?

"Resolute support for President Bush's policies would make Mr. Coors a 'rubber stamp' for the administration."

—A model isn't an idea; it's a guide to the idea.

"You're nothing else but a little mouth for upstairs."

—It's hard to know.

[Someone actually getting your goat, because they know you all too well]

—Regrets are a waste of time.

"You're just a robot, repeating stuff you read."

—Those are fighting words!

"If what you have to say can't improve the silence, please say nothing at all."

—This is not an Indian burial ground.

"I beg your pardon?"

—Sorry it breaks your rule.

"How do you handle him?" [From your mom to your girlfriend]

—Smooth sailing!

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

—And you could make it up, too.

"We're going to put you in charge – Think you can handle it?"

—Nobody shines as much as Babe Ruth.

"Don't lick the cactus, you stupid animal!"

—If it doesn't scream, how do you know it's alive?

"Hey, stupid!"

—How else do you get people to do what you want?

"Don't be stupid!"

—Not for long.

"I feel stupid."

—What you want to do is try a lot of things.

"They're going to come to your house and take you away someday."

—How about letting someone see gold in a stream every once in a while?

"Pretty pretentious, Tim."

—Could you ask for anything less?

"I thought they taught you manners at St. Albans."

—Among other things.

"You don't know that? Didn't they teach you that at Dartmouth?"

—Little do you know.

"Do you know LISP?"

—A lot I need it for.

"You don't know who the Press Secretary is? You don't know Ari Fleischer is the Press Secretary for President Bush?"

—Are you bragging?

"She says you came into her room and masturbated."

—She's at the right age, right?

"I didn't notice any passion between you two."

—You have to fight against it.

"What's this crap? Only bourgeois eat stuff like that."

—Are you sure?

["Why have you been so reluctant to appear on my show?"] "Because I think you're an asshole."

—So? So what else is new?

"Sounds like a stupid idea." [Non-escalating Verbal Self-Defense]

—You have to see people for what they are, and discount for what they do. [See also 2007 Tutorial]

"If you like you, everyone else will, too!"

—It is Christian art – I remember when I was that age – I used to play a lot by myself.

"Do you recognize her from your dream last night?"

—You know what Marlon Brando says, "You're not alive if you don't know it."

"Of course!"

—Many things are coming into my understanding I was never aware about.

"I bumped into an old friend of yours."

—They're too good for me.

"Why are you surprised?"

—Why do you think?

"Why don't you give him a call?"

—I'm all in pink today! I'm having a baby! And I'm calling her Barbie!

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I thought they'd give you a better deal than that."

—The nerve of them.

"Give it a rest."

—It's what you don't do.

"Here – I'll give you your card back."

—Are you going to cheat me?

"Why don't you keep that? The URL's easy enough to remember." [Handing your business card back to you]

—If you try – Don't get it on your clothes!

[Someone refusing your business card]

—It really is scary, you know?

[Someone dropping your business card into the trash can]

—Maybe it's a broken heart.

"Richard! Do you have any of that three-inch-wide transparent packing tape?"

—I can take a hint.

"You don't, by any chance, have a tape recorder?"

—Things are falling off the shelves.

"You're always quoting your book."

—It's timeless.

"Whatever Happened to Online Etiquette?" (From the Desk of David Pogue, December 14, 2006)

—And warmth, too! – People don't need advice – They should just understand themselves – They don't even want help – You can't help people, but some people want to understand themselves, and some people don't.

"Dear David, first off i would like to tell you that you are full of shit and did not research the zune enough to know your facts."

—Let's all go and kill a teenager!

"In my oppinion you should be fired for wrighting such a biast article in a (somewhat) professional newspaper."

—That's very good to know.

"Oh and in case you think i work for microsoft or have bad grammar, or something, you should know that im 15!"

—The Principal can really make you feel bad – Bosses, teachers, principals ... They were all mean to keep order.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky, Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are."

—Kids are always presenting themselves as problems, but they're not problems.

"What's yr problem, moron. You already said it's a star, why would you then wonder what it is. Get a clue, or a life."

—It must be brutal when you're old.

"Dugg down as inaccurate. Stars do not twinkle. It's the shifting atmosphere that causes an apparent twinkle. Or were you stoned all through science class?"

—Even in the rain.

"yo neverland2 -- It's a poem, idiot. Nobody's claiming that stars twinkle. Ever heard of poetic license? Honestly, the intellectual level of you people is right up there with a gnat's."

—Show me a boy who cuts the tails off cats, and I'll show you a doctor.

"Maybe as the Internet becomes as predominant as air, somebody will realize that online behavior isn't just an afterthought. Maybe, along with HTML and how to gauge a Web site's credibility, schools and colleges will one day realize that there's something else to teach about the Internet: Civility 101." (–David Pogue)

—Helping people, or doing therapy, has nothing to do with school.

"You're the new science editor of The New York Times!?" (Cornelia Dean)

—Anyone who wants.

"I never heard of it."

—Who did your plumbing?

"Don't try to get out of it!"

—No fish today.

"What do you think of when you look at me?"

—I hate myself last.

"Do you have money to burn?"

—That's what brings success in life, is being good to yourself.

"Everyone is doing it."

—It renews my hope – When someone likes you, you feel free and at ease; when someone's pretending they like you, you hate them. [Also see, Peer Pressure]

"Everyone understands why you're having a hard time adjusting."

—Let 'em – Glad I'm not one of them.

"The Americans are behind every single war in the Middle East ... the Invasion of Kuwait, the Iran-Iraq War ... the Americans were behind it."

—Maybe it's just me.

"You're not making things any easier."

—A thief can sometimes help people better than a hospital.

"Well, we only came because Michael wanted to know who all his relatives are."

—Are you sure it's not a punishment?

"Belly dancing is cheap."

—You know, since you come from the Land of Pain, what is it to you?

"You're a pig! You're a disgusting human being."

—Rich people are always like that. You can't even talk to them.

"PIG!"

—Whatever you want.

"I was just seeing – Somebody's been letting his dog poop on my lawn."

—Is it the pussycat that does that?

"So what happens when you set a variable to space space space A space space space B and then ECHO that variable?"

—It's not what you think.

"If you put a Turing Machine on the surface of a sphere, with three choices at a node, can you prove you can write 0, 1, and 2 in every node?"

—That's not so bad to know – Let's hope you don't see a bright light, and a bird in it.

"You mean you're a computer science graduate and you don't know Duff's device?"

—Now you know why I never look back.