"Now I'm excited."

—And I thought you were Lockinvar – "Oh, what a tangled web we weave When first we practise to deceive." (–Derived from Canto VI, XVII, in the epic poem Marmion: A Tale of Flodden Field, by Walter Scott, Edinburgh, 1808)

"It's got you excited."

—Some people go a lot farther on their EQ than on their IQ.

"You don't look Italian."

—Who knows what that means?

"Look at the note he wrote!" [Laughing as they begin reading your note aloud]

—I thought shit and shining light were interchangeable ... Give up! ... Jesus doesn't even like you.

"Doctor's orders? Is it a psychiatrist?"

—How does it feel to be the healthiest person in your family? ... Don't tell me about a bicycle in the basement of the Alamo.

"You're a loser! – Even if you go out and shoot yourself, no one will miss you!"

—Copy that! ... How couth ... It's like sitting inside a violin ... I'm yesterday, you're tomorrow ... All we do is shit in there, anyway ... There's nothing to do ... Want what you have ... It's like a magnet ... When it's in the water, the fish will see that: Everything charged ... There's only one ethical issue: alive is good, dead is bad ... You can't understand it ... People who for whatever reason are there to bother you, to trap you, to bludgeon you ... They love to smell like dead raccoons so they can sneak up on people ... I might ask you the same question ... What do you think of that? ... There is an art: a script that is very, very helpful ... Oh, you don't want it to shine in the dark ... There's more to life than money ... No intermissions! ... They're ashamed not to say something, so they make up something ... "A friend of mine cheated on a test! What should I do?" ... "A friend of mine turned green! What should I do?" [Your penis] ... Let 'em sleep in hammocks (bed wetters) ... That's a good one, too! ... It's like listening to a crappy thing that's worse! ... It's called fish logic: it swims! ... You should grow like an onion! ... A dismal animal death on you! ... A piece of meat with eyes! ... Laugh with the lizards! ... They've invented something called the mainstream, and anybody who isn't mainstream is a total idiot ... Most people feel very lucky if they feel they're mainstream ... Okay, so what are we going to do? Killer! ... People out of a ditch: "You're doing it wrong!" ... They always do something right ... A fate worse than death! ... It's a cover-up ... All the has-beens! ... They were all there ... There's people you never hear about ... "What do we know?" NOTHING ... "When do we know it?" I DON'T KNOW ... I'll ask, right? ... They have long intermissions though! ... It's not a case of good or bad ... It's a case of what's going on ... All you have to know is what it is ... You don't have to think about what to do ... I'm like an oil well! ... Maybe I'm just sensitive to color! ... The Master run away, and the Darkie, he do stay!

"I can put my foot in my mouth, and shoot myself in the foot, but I can't do both at the same time."

—It's nice to have a choice.

"Sold out."

—Happy ending ... Leadership skills over the years.

"It's only ten dollars an hour." [Unattributed subject]

—What's this all about?

"It's not much, but ..." [Six dollars for a $4.90 cab ride]

—What would I do with money, anyway, buy a baseball glove?

"It's only money."

—It's just honor.

"I got carried off in another direction – It's because I don't care!"

—What did one herring say to another? (Am I my brother's kipper?)

"It's I always thought I would hear something they wouldn't have said around me."

—I'm just curious, you know. I like to be up to date.

"Are you the designated slut?" [Abusive dialog from TuckerMax.com]

—These people are living in the service of their illness ... "I'm not serving your illness!" ... "You're just doing this to serve your illness!" ... You want to make sure you know what your life is serving ... First of all, You Should Serve You ... Second, if you serve other things, you should know what they are ... Don't serve other people's delusions.

"Do you hate the World Bank? You don't hate the World Bank. You're mad at your father. You just want daddy to hug you more."

—That's nice to know ... There's a permanent adversarial culture in this country ... It's best not to say too much ... Lay low! ... Stay out of the way ... Fluid economy.

"You were a sociology major, weren't you?"

—Schizophrenics, Anonymous ... "To Confront Someone is to Empower Them" ... "Our Biggest Mission in Life is to Avoid Boring Fools."

"What was your major? Did your parents send you a bill for college? How are those Marxist Literary Critique classes working out for you? You work at Barnes and Noble don't you?"

—The Bluffer's Guide to Getting Human Beings to Believe in God ... Where is your Santa Claus Registry?

"Shouldn't you be blocking an intersection right now? How many anti-sweatshop petitions have you signed? – EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE REEBOKS ON. Very anti-globalization to wear those with your animal tested Clinique make-up made in Nepal. Well, at least you're consistent in your shameless hypocrisy."

—You know, I don't believe in God, lighten up! ... This is small-talk survival! ... You never had a brother to teach you the fine art of pussy smuggling! ... Too painful!

"You're a druggie – You're a whore and a slut and deserve to die."

—Who's it for, for me or da-da? ... People live in weird pockets ... What does it matter what you say about people? ... Take your gun to bed with you.

«How to give clever non-rude comebacks for your older brother that makes fun of you»

—What do you mean, mentally? ... Whatever the genius cooks up ... That stuff is nothing! ... It pays to be ignorant.

"I admire you, because I've never had the courage to be so boring."

—Do you know what you get when you cross Alzheimer's with déjà vu? (A feeling that you've forgotten this before)

"Hillary Clinton tonight had a very strong performance. I think she had a very good performance."

—Pour it on!

"It's moved?" [the hotel]

—Oh, I didn't know that.

"Have you moved? ... Did you get a new roommate?"

—What have I done wrong?

"There are no winners; there are no losers."

—Three kinds of people, those who can count, and those who can't.

"When does your shift start?"

—Just beginning.

"I see, you're a coffee fiend!"

—There's a being inside that needs nourishment – so you nourish it!

"What the hell is your problem? – You're not good enough!" [Line chef screaming at another line chef in a busy kitchen]

—Will you stop giving me a hard time? – It's grease, baby! – No one does – This is what makes the Eiffel Tower hum – I don't trust you! – You're going to quit while you're ahead – Where did you learn to say that one? – You're a jungle fever! – But please, don't monkey with Broadway! – Want a half Mexican? – How are you finding a solid black shoe on your neck? – What's beyond delusion? – You did a good job! – It looks worse than it did – You call that working? – You're doing that on charm – Get some method in your work – It's not my fault! – You never watch what I'm doing – I don't know, I just watch it! – Sometimes it's better to do things slowly – It won't be hard – This is why robots will never make it.

"Oh, are you really closed?" [Also see the WAITER / WAITRESS special, at stargate65]

—Way too soon! ... Like in Europe ... Traitor! ... Everything's changing ... You could see it coming ... Now I can sing! ... Instant human! Just add coffee! ... And now nothing! ... Shoot for the moon, and if you fall, you'll land in a penthouse! ... What does an apricot have that you don't have? ... Get out of here! You stink!

"But you've only been closed for five minutes."

—I'm asleep, it's okay ... Too down to go! ... It's an awareness thing ... Things mean so much to these people ... Right away you're wrong! ... Don't let people fool you into making things ugly. Think about that.

"I would NEVER have closed the office for such a little thing."

—Not everyone can do everything.

"I guess I just expected you to use better judgment."

—Your parents had a very strange conception of life.

"What the hell are you doing here, anyway?"

—It's fate.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

—Don't try to figure things out – Feed what's inside you!

"Non-escalating Verbal Self-Defense looks like it could be interesting just from the title, but it seems to be an interesting idea completely ruined by an idiosyncratic and baffling presentation that surely only makes sense to its creators." [Link from Lake Effect, May 5, 2003 – first of five sentences (unsolicited interjections); the remaining four are covered in stargates 75 (hassling, stigmatization) and 30 (marginalization)]

—I think the dog did it, or the cat.

"I have a tragedy."

—Wait! You're talking too fast – Talk slower so I can understand it.

"We stopped serving breakfast."

—Thank you for your assistance – Thank you for your help.

"We're closed over here."

—Go easy on yourself.

"It is a tragedy."

—Did you work hard today?

"No rest for the weary."

—You know, you just plan your day.

"I was a combination of sad and angry and disappointed and hurt." [Wife discussing her husband's interest in erotica on the CBS Evening News, May 1, 2007]

—Did you become a traitor? ... Wearing sateen, dark red lipstick, hanging out in pool houses ... You never know what they're going to do ... It hurts a lot ... Maybe I'll change my ways ... I feel better about it now ... When the lion is chasing the antelope, he doesn't look back.

"Have you gotten any lately?"

—You're a star ... Got milk? ... Got condoms? ... Lick what?

"Have you ever been taken out of context?"

—That's still going on.

"He's the designated pansy."

—If the pope were here, he would understand.

"What I know is, as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat crap what or where you shove your show."

—You have to give up hating other people and concentrate on having a good life.

"You're going to die soon with that diet, you know that."

—Of all the things in the universe, death is one of the nicer things.

"Are you still on a diet?"

—I know you don't like it, but this is the way I am.

"Eat tiny portions and NEVER go back for seconds."

—It's good when I break my diet.

"You don't need to be drinking every night – You don't need those calories."

—You tried it twice – Try something else.

"Jane, are you trying to look unattractive?"

—Read, The Dwarf. (1945, Par Lagerkvist)

"My ass is big, but yours just has to dominate Holland."

—It's really criminal to treat your body as a friend.

"You know, the reason I'm so thin is that I would never eat a whole box of cookies."

—Don't cheat yourself.

"What are you reading?"

—It's a mystery.

"You just have the appearance of being an airhead."

—Cryptic, enigmatic.

"If Ricky tries to contest this, he doesn't have a leg to stand on."

—I'm going to use all the money I get to make a nicer grave for my mother.

"That cut just isn't meant for a full-figured gal like you."

—You're starving, yourself.

"I feel icky!"

—Heartless creature.

"Your bullshit is extremely good today."

—I'll send it to you.

"You've got some nerve telling me all that bullshit."

—Over time.

"I'm sorry – that dress doesn't come in larger sizes."

—Well, everybody's got something good about them.

"Are you upset? When is your period? Are you on the rag?"

—You're carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders.

"Are you on the rag?"

—Is this the best way to show your strength? ... Feed your family!

"It must be that time of month." [To a woman]

—If it isn't, so what?

"HEY, YOU DIRTY WHORE!"

—They turn women into men, and men into idiots.

"YOU DIRTY WHORE!"

—KEEP GOING! ... AND DON"T STOP.

"You whore!"

—It's hard to tell, huh?

"C. U. Next Tuesday!"

—Don't forget!

"Cunt!"

—What do you mean, get all the air out of your brain?

"Fat whore."

—You have to do it when it's wet.

"He called you a whore!"

—How does it feel to be the healthiest person in your family?

"More energy – You've got to simmer down!"

—There isn't a part of my body that doesn't express itself.

"I wish you wouldn't do that without my permission."

—Tell the witch – She'll let you.

"Your waitress made me extremely uncomfortable today. She ruined my entire morning. I'm very upset. I'll be contacting KQED."

—You're way ahead of most people.

"You know what? You just ruined my life."

—What am I, a mind reader? – A dream within a dream ... It's killing you, right? ... It's the greater fool theory ... With her serpent tongue ... It feels weak ... You just have to pamper it.

"Now you just ruined my day – Tell me something nice before I go."

—Through close observation.

"I wasted all my pretty years on you."

—It's much more intense.

"With your permission, of course."

—And the rat takes the bait.

"How can the Americans make this mistake?" [An errant bomb, many dead and wounded]

—Prepare your kids for a hard life, which every life is sooner or later.

"Go to hell."

—What time?

"Why doesn't the Bill Gates Foundation pay for it?"

—They're all assholes ... There you go ... Someone likes someone.

"I knew you weren't man enough to take care of a woman."

—I wouldn't fool around.