Condescension

Insults

Comebacks

"So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" [To a little boy]

—Just anything!
—A bunny rabbit.

"How about you? – What do you want to be when you grow up?" [To a little girl]

—What if?
—Dangerous.

"What's your excuse?"

—Saved again!
—To catch fish.

"Aren't we lucky?"

—It's overwhelming.
—A huge hit.

"So you have a web page." [Implying, "So what?"]

—Or worse!
—Do I know what I'm not doing?

"I wish you wouldn't do that without my permission."

—NICE TRY!
—Tell the witch – She'll let you.

"You learn something new every day."

—No shit!
—That little bit.

[Start at
the top]

"Hey, you said, 'shit!' – You learned a new word."

—No shit!
—Three words can say a million things.

"You poor soul."

—Wild, huh?
—I'll cry tomorrow.

"Are you a beginner?"

—No more!
—The devil is in the details.

"If you need a good Christian therapist ..."

—Very awkward.
—Nothing can cure the soul but the senses.

"Thank you for not breeding."

—Going up!
—Be proud you're in a panic – It puts you in the top one percent of humanity.

"Get out of the gene pool!"

—Going up!
—You get over being in a panic by being in one.

[Start at
the top]

"You don't mind being seen drinking with us blokes, then?"

—What's different?
—It's civilized – It's like logic.

"You seem to be out of your element."

—What's different?
—You just don't know what it's like to teach at a fancy prep school.

"You don't belong in here."

—What's different?
—Too steep.

"She's popular, and how is she supposed to like a person like you?"

—Above all!
[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"Don't disappoint your mother and me."

—Going up!
—I know how hard it is for you.

"Please don't let us down."

—Going up!
—Because it's your genes.

"I don't know if you're being cute or crazy now."

—Wild moments.
—And aren't you lucky?

[Start at
the top]

"You're crazy!"

—Probably.
—But you don't know on which side.

"You used to be sort of a funny, charming, likable guy."

—Go on!
—You're kind of a burnt biscuit, aren't you?

"She used to be beautiful."

—Go on!
—Did it bring back memories?

"What's it cost to bring up a web site?"

—Something.
—It's fwee!

"It doesn't cost you anything?"

—Go on!
—A cut above the crowd, as they used to say.

"It's a cut above where you come from."

—Probably.
—Just like Rome – It's going.

"Go that way if it makes you happier."

—Probably.
—That's quite a range, isn't it?

[Start at
the top]

"Do you like lavender and sage?"

—Go on!
—What about your friends?

"I know what you're thinking."

—There's hope.
—The others don't.

"A person always wants to improve themselves."

—Or worse!
—Dog is my copilot.

"You're sounding a little desperate because you're trying to build yourself up by tearing everybody else down."

—Quite unnecessary.
—That's a little misleading, isn't it?

"Don't you dare compare me to that pip-squeak."

—Anything less?
—No one's big; no one's small.

"Shut up!"

—YOU could.
—What's your offer?

[Start at
the top]

"Please be quiet!"

—YOU could.
—You don't have to make speeches.

"Are you smoking something?"

—Quite unnecessary.
—Just don't peek under the tent.

"Are you jumping in on the side of Satan?"

—Quite unnecessary.
—One is more than enough.

"I pity you."

—You wonder.
—Not all tears are the same.

"Everything you're saying is a dodge."

—Well said.
—And you don't even wonder why.

"Honey, I could take you home and give you a fuck that would leave you smiling in the morning, but you just don't rate!"

—Just some.
—What do we call this, the last roundup?

"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

—Someone else.
—A stork brought you, but a blackbird smashed me on the Earth.

[Start at
the top]

"You don't know who I am."

—Not quite.
—Only psychotic people don't see behind things.

"We own them."

—Wild, huh?
—I like the saying, if the British had first landed on the West Coast, New England would be a National Park.

"You don't know about it, so shut up, turn around, and sit down!"

—Sure, boss!
—It's unspeakable.

[Someone rudely interrupting you]

—Clean slate!
—Excuse me – We're both talking at the same time.

"Take a hike!"

—The reverse!
—It's a strange tangle.

"Get out of town!"

—The reverse!
—Tune in next week.

"You can't talk to me that way!"

—Or else!
—Please, allow me to continue.

[Start at
the top]

"Will you please check your bag?"

—The reverse!
—That's my getaway bag!

"If Ricky tries to contest this, he doesn't have a leg to stand on."

—You're strong.
—I'm going to use all the money I get to make a nicer grave for my mother.

"Want some advice?"

—No worse!
—Anyone can listen.

"Are you going to vote?"

—No worse!
—Heads you lose, tails you lose if you listen to other people.

"Do you invest in the Internet?"

—Good advice.
—Why don't you do it yourself?

"That's a good question – I don't know."

—Really scary!
—Various things.

"Have you been saving any money?"

—Go on!
—You can't act like a ninny.

[Start at
the top]

"Well, it sounds like a noble cause."

—Let's hope.
—The only people who aren't shits like everyone else are Hitler, Napoleon, and Genghis Khan.

"Was that too hard for you?" [After you've backed out of a Mexican standoff]

—Very different.
—I was only born yesterday.

"I'm talking to you, asshole."

—It's chilling.
—There are so many people now.

"This guy is great!" [Disparagingly]

—Clean slate!
—Don't ever do anything halfway.

"Is this what you've reduced yourself to, Melissa?"

—Certainly not.
—It's better than I deserve.

"Aw, too bad!"

—Totally destroyed.
—There are so many things you can do.

"You mean, you actually fell for that?"

—Clean slate!
—Or shortchanged.

"What a guy! What a man!"

—It's chilling.
—I'll let you think about that.

[Start at
the top]

"I'm impressed."

—Or something.
—If that's what you want to call it.

"The world would be better off without people like you."

—Very different.
—I'm a stranger here myself.

"That's deep."

—Is it?
—You have to be on the sidewalk for your head to be in the stars.

"I'll send you the bill."

—Very different.
—It's a great hardship.

[Start at
the top]

"Better luck next time."

—Quite unnecessary.
—I'm better off right now.

"Good-bye – It's been original."

—It was.
—Just be present to yourself – That's all you have to do around a baby.