"Why are you giving me a citation?"

—You want to see what you're doing and get wise to it.

"Once I shot an elephant wearing my pajamas." (–Groucho Marx)

—What should I do if I get an urge to kill my mother?

"Mathias said... This is nuts. Like the wit of the staircase filtered through paranoid schizophrenia. Almost better than Timecube."

—Each way.

"I was watching a huge bird on the feeder, pecking away in the little hole – A green parrot!"

—It's not wild, and it's not strong ... They enjoy themselves immensely ... Little do they know ... It's just like a parade ... A Macy's parade.

"If I showed you a room without an elephant in the room, the question 'why is there not an elephant in the room?' is not a well-posed question." (–Dr. Peter Harrowell)

—I'll be glad when this is over.

"If you had to name something, what would you say is the biggest misperception that people have of you?"

—More spiritual than thou.

"It's a bit out of your league."

—Too emotional.

"Is this the minor league of cab driving? And like, New York City's the major league?"

—What happens when it rains?

"What's the difference between misperception and perception?"

—Well, Jesus would still be alive if he did it.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how weird are you?"

—That azalea is really doing good, isn't it? ... It's really strange, isn't it?

["I'm curious ... what's that bell?"] "It's not as if we're not working on it!"

—What's it called?

["Oh! A cat."] "It's okay ... He's all zipped up."

—What's its name?

"Quote: 'It kinda makes you wish you had schizoid tendencies...' uh, you used the subjunctive there, why?"

—Are you worried things aren't correct?

"Thinner women don't usually have large breasts, unless they're, of course, paid for."

—What else could you want?

"I pushed the red ball across the white room with a string."

—That's God's punishment.

"You're too nice at work – It's not a popularity contest."

—I'm in a different school.

"He's younger than me – He's thirty-seven."

—They don't know how to do certain things.

"DEAR RICHARD HART ... PINNACLE CREDIT SERVICES LLC HAS PURCHASED THE ABOVE REFERENCED ACCOUNT FROM THE ABOVE REFERENCED PREVIOUS CREDITOR ... AS OF THE DATE OF THIS LETTER YOU OWE $12182.89 ...."

—The Kotex that would not burn ... The lending industry term for people such as myself, with seven cents in the bank after a financial train wreck, is "Ruthless Defaulters." How did this amount of money get thrust upon someone who was unemployed? We're not angry; we're beyond all that! We're just dirt poor! [See David Streitfeld's article, "They're Not Paying Anymore," The New York Times, July 26, 2009]

"I think there is such a thing as justifiable attacks."

—How did I know you were going to say that?

"Experts have opinions, but having an opinion does not make you an expert."

—If I were smart.

"Dartmouth dropped from 9th to 11th in U.S. News & World Report's 2008 rankings of Best National Universities."

—How do you think James Dean's father felt?

"Don't you think that dress is a little revealing?"

—Don't break the spell, that's all I ask.

"How can you go around like that in public?"

—You orbit I'm doing.

"He's borderline psychotic."

—I'm working hard and having fun.

"You're delusional."

—You're repressed.

"You're paranoid."

—You're projecting.

"You're psychotic."

—Who told you to feel bad?

"You have a cognitive perception disorder."

—Next they'll kill the penguins in the zoo.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute – We're not talking about you."

—It's not my family ... At least you have someone to hate.

"What a snoop."

—How many single socks do they have in the world?

"You're sadistic."

—With a cactus on my shoulder, topless, walking down the hill, like a Tuscan.

"I hate to burst your bubble."

—Are we under the ocean? Are we in a glass bell? Do we have horse heads?

"Perception is reality."

—You don't want to be a pervert.

"Reality is very confusing, isn't it?"

—You have to keep refreshing.

"What is the difference between paranoid and delusional?"

—God smells you when you go to heaven, right? "Paranoid" is conscious – you're aware of it; "delusional" is unconscious – you're not aware of it.

[Someone overreacting a little because you bumped into their car; if they just got out of prison, they could pull a knife on you]

—There's really no need for it.

"I want your information." [To save face in front of their girlfriend]

—The guy's right on ... Right on! ... What happened? ... No harm? ... No foul? ... Right on!

"We're about to be out of time – I'm sorry to cut you off."

—Not everyone can get the Irish to shut up.

"I like emeralds – It's my birthstone."

—What else is there left?

"You don't drink?"

—They have amazing things.

"Well, we're human."

—Smoking!