"Hi, my name is Adam – What's your name?" [Someone standing on the sidewalk holding a clipboard, intercepting you, pretending to be friendly]

—Would you like to share a cigarette with me?

"You should write a culinary column."

—What I'm looking at from the future.

"Find someone your own age."

—Oh, my God! You're unhappy ... Through the wall and everything ... If it bothers you so much, why don't you just shove off? ... They're like battle hardened.

"I was listening to the rain – Listening to you at the keyboard is like listening to the rain."

—Breaking heart after heart.

"Who are you and what have you done with Amoret?" [From an old mandolin player in the band, each time you perform a new skill on your fiddle – They're unconsciously imitating their mother, and they'll probably never know that's how they "bought a bad act" – At least they're truly themselves when they're playing their instrument]

—I had a brain freeze ... It's working like a charm ... The last remaining seats ... Where we find ourselves.

"Good morning, Richard – You're such a patient person."

—Again! How many times has this happened?

"Well, the hell with you!"

—Wings and everything.

"Well, you get to work on it!" [Finding a cheaper hotel in San Francisco]

—Why hide it?

"Did anyone check out his thumbnail index? It contains something along the lines of his website being child safe because children can't actually read... Well, so what if I could read when I was 3? That's the best justification for obscenity online that I've ever heard, other than 'I just can.'"

—The Internet is the saloon of the new Millennium – except no one gets a T.U.I. [Typing ....]

"Rules are for other people, right?"

—The Catholics must be jealous.

"So what else is new?"

—I know it hasn't cast its spell on you.

"What else is new?"

—A myriad of theorized force fields.

"I don't like this dog – Everyone else likes it, but I don't."

—Most dogs are suckers.

"I'm smarter than you."

—You should start a business, Terror, Incorporated.

"Scott, we now know, is disgruntled about his experience at the White House. For those of us who fully supported him, before, during and after he was press secretary, we are puzzled. It is sad – this is not the Scott we knew ... His claims are 'self-serving, disingenuous and unprofessional' ... He got dealt a deck of cards that were very tough ... He was 'out of the loop' ... His book is heartbreaking ... Reading the descriptions [of his former subordinate's book] is 'almost like witnessing an out-of-body experience' ... There's some real tension between the theses in his book and actually some of the allegations and how thinly sourced they really are ... He's a misguided man only interested in selling his book." [Excerpts from White House aides' responses regarding former press secretary Scott McClellan's book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception]

—The older you get the more you can see.

["That's the news!"] "I feel so much smarter."

—It isn't that much.

"Killing smarter child, the gay computer!"

—Don't bother.

"Peeyoo! Your breath smells!"

—Does that mean I'm sincere?

"Don't hold your breath."

—I think there are better things than that – I just bought myself a Christmas present.

"Well, I know for a fact she graduated from Wesleyan." [Referring to Hillary Clinton, with unduly strong emotion; in some cases you're better off not taking the bait. Note: Hillary Clinton was valedictorian at Wellesley, class of 1969]

—I can't think of anything better.

"Toronto is a very antisocial city with that thin veneer of passive-aggressive middlebrow decorum, the honey over the gall, you know: everyone suspects and hates each other, but we smile and nod, but the smile is more a rictus and the nod is more of a primal acknowledgment (I'm Watching), less a greeting. Psychologically at least." [Link]

—I am not into industrial waste ... Do they say things like, "Kneel for me" — ? ... Most people are blind.

"This is your wisdom?"

—Allah! means breathing, and for some people, that's enough.

"You're a gentle soul, Richard. You're a real San Franciscan."

—Teaching the masses how to be rich!

"You know what I hate?"

—Bed sores? This is the worst day of my life.

"Oh, well, it happens to the best of us."

—People have a stick and they say, "Could you remove that?"

"David, your paintings don't have any center of interest."

—Hamlet's a really good play. [All you have to do is say anything obvious and they disappear.]

"I am just telling you the truth. At least I don't get rejected like anyone else. The truth is out there."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"Well, looks aren't everything."

—Great news.

"I hate your guts."

—Big deal – Tempest in a teapot.

"I felt insulted."

—At least it's led you to something comfortable, practical, pleasant.

"He felt a little hurt."

—Better him than me.

"It's something else."

—Don't say.

"Richard is going to see it, and he'll take notes."

—They're paper thin.

"This is just painful." [Said about your work or some effort of yours]

—Get away from this! ... This is for a child! ... We have our ways ... The minute you put something next to each other, it changes – It's a dynamic – Things change each other, or reflect each other ... He wrote a great book called, How to be Rich.

"This guy draws like I did when I was seven."

—Glad to see you grew out of it.

"At least now I know enough to give people actual eye sockets."

—It restores my faith.

"We were given this link by Erik from oldmanmurray.com – He actually rode in this nut's cab! We always wondered if some of these kooks were real."

—Everybody looks good at closing time.

"And he actually has someone ELSE that draws those God-awful pictures."

—Who said there are no shocks left in art?

"The idea that this man actually has an accomplice in his insanity is just too much to believe."

—If we could do this right, we'd be working in a restaurant.

"I think he's the green-eyed guy floating in the river of shit. And that's Martin Luther King, Junior in the boat holding the doughnuts."

—We just made it!

["Well, young lady, I hope we didn't hold you up."] "Well, old man, that's okay."

—You have nothing to worry about.

["It's research on how to defend yourself with words."] "Well, screw you!"

—Authentic hatchet! Authentic hatchet! Do you know what "Authentic hatchet!" means? Real axe! Get it? ("RELAX!")

[Good comebacks when someone is angry with you]

—So break rules.

"Well, fuck you!"

—You're letting your bad experiences in the past color your present.

"You're just like everyone else."

—Everyone else has someone telling them what to do.

"You're no different from anyone else."

—I don't like getting caught in nets.

"Is it expensive?"

—It's cheap compared to pennies ... They have even cheaper ones.

"Oh, my God! – That place is way too expensive."

—Too bad freedom is not a family value.

[What to do when a girl insults you]

—Sometimes people who had it worst are the luckiest, because they had to get away.

"If you buy tomato paste in a can, you're crazy!"

—Want my advice? Go bowling.

"I don't know – I'm not a numbers guy."

—Chapter Eleven – It's right after Chapter Ten.

"You're so nice – I can't believe you're my parents' age."

—You're better off being like you.

—People are frightened by surprises.

"The decision by The New York Times to distribute a one-sided guest column with disrespectful language toward our Dell team in other parts of the world without contacting us is bad news judgment at best." (–Dell VP Lynn Antipas Tyson)

—I am sorry for your inconvenience. [Scripted response from the India help desk]

—It's better than a chain hanging out of your asshole.

"Oh, are you going to hate me for this?"

—Be brave!

"I've been feeling kind of lonesome."

—How do you think people feel when they die? You have to take care of yourself, right?

"I missed you ... You're so great! ... Just great! ... So poetic." [They're drunk]

—This is a good hideout, isn't it?

"Don't you think we're a little old for this?"

—The bad people always do better.

"Stop grading students on the quality of their writing unless you, personally, have taught them to write."

—Past a certain point, what difference does it make, anyway?

"You old coot."

—Anything goes.

"I'm too old to do that now."

—Over nothing.

"You're too old."

—It's not weird enough for me yet!

"Never get old!"

—I might be an actor – You don't have to do anything.

"You look older."

—In June, July and August.

"Older than dirt!"

—The people who try to be good always get into trouble.

[Masticating, slurping, smacking, or chewing with mouth open]

—"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." (–Eric Hoffer)

["Hello!"] [The cold shoulder]

—That's what the Spanish say: Make love with the bull.

["Melissa hates me."] "I can see why she'd hate you."

—Maybe it's something simple.

"Why do I hate you so much?"

—Much less than you would think.

"You hate me, don't you?"

—I'm one step away.

"I HATE YOU!"

—You can laugh.